She goes flying…

Today I heard Baby J laugh for the first time- not a little chuckle either but a full bellied laugh with shoulders shaking and all. Not so long ago I thought we might never hear him laugh or even see him smile. No one ever expects to give birth to an imperfect baby so it’s quite shocking when you realise that your child may not be the child you expected. When the doctor doing your scan stops talking and spends the next 20 minutes trying to get a better look at the heart. When you finally give birth and the baby unexpectedly takes a turn for the worse. When you’re told that it’s hard to know what the changes picked up on the MRI will mean.

To protect myself I start thinking about the worst and planning for the worst. My fears seem to be confirmed when we spend day after day looking at his still body and seeing his little eyes rolling around, unable to focus. I begin to get strangely envious of other parents of sick children who, day after day, get discharged to the ward or sent to a local hospital or even home.

My husband and I stalk the neurologist and pepper her with questions but no one can provide the answer we want to hear. Then, slowly, things start to improve. Baby J starts to focus on our faces. He finally gets moved to the ward, then to our local hospital, and then home. And after all the doctor’s appointments slow down I start to finally be able to feel like I am home with a healthy little baby. Things seem…normal. But I still wonder- was Baby D already smiling by this point? What about his head control? And then…one day I blow on Baby J’s tummy while changing him and he laughs.

I look at his happy little face and feel something different than I did with my first son- in addition to the deep love I feel for both boys, Baby J also inspires a feeling of deep admiration and respect. It seems strange to feel this way about a baby but I look at him and see an old soul who has been through so much pain and suffering yet manages to smile 90% of the day. He seems wise beyond his years. I can’t imagine that anything he will face in his life will compare to what he overcame in his first month. I feel sad for what life has dealt him and for what may still lie ahead but so excited to see the man he will become  He is not be the baby we expected- he is so much more than that.

~ by unagid on January 29, 2012.

Posted in The Heavier Stuff
Tags: Congenital Heart Defect, Milestones